Goals

I have so many goals. I love lists: lists about things I have to do, want to buy, want to accomplish, bucket lists, rules, etc. But on the top of my "goal" list is to lose 20 pounds. I understand that many women desire to lose some lbs, but to me this goal goes much deeper than the vanity pounds. i am currently at a healthy weight: I weigh 140 and am about 5'4". A healthy weight range for my height is 110-145, and I simply desire to hit the lower half of that range. Ideally, I would like to weight 112-115, but 120 is my shorter term goal. I have a bit of a time crunch, however. Cross Country season starts in less than weeks. Studies have shown that runners who lost 20 pounds automatically dropped over 2.5 minutes from their 6k time. As a collegiate distance runner, this is important to me. I want to lose weight to be the best runner I can be, to prove to my coach and teammates that I'm dedicated, and to prove to myself that I can do it. I believe that it is that last part of that sentence that is the biggest to me.
As I said before, this goal goes deep for me. I desire to lose weight because I desire discipline. I greatly value discipline and self control, if for no other reason than discipline and self control themselves.
I get so down on myself when I fall through on my goals. Granted, sometime my goals are far too idealistic and my expectations for myself are unreasonable, but some things aren't excusable. If i pitty myself, who is going to crack down!? I wish I had a coach to pep talk me before every workout and every decision, but I don't. I have to be my own coach.
I have a goal, I have a dream. It is going to take a heck of a lot of work to get there, but I sure as heck can't stay here.